Open Your Soul and Listen
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Today started with me being vomited upon about 5 times and ended with a lovely quiet dinner with the most amazing man in the world (dinner was: salad with avocado, carrots, red onion, smoked salmon and baby potatoes). In between the morning and the evening, more vomiting happened, but also; cooing, hugging, dancing, laughing, being silly, kindness from people, support from Andy, paint everywhere on my hands, fingers, clothes, carpet and chair. There was gold leaf, shimmery fabric, paint water accidental spills and warm heaters blasting warm air. I drank yummy grape juice, worried about Dylan, felt confused and annoyed with the post office and then happy hearing from a happy customer. Neck ache and fatigue, compassion and empathy. Giggles and teasing, pink vests, white headphones and finally space again on my iPhone.
Very moved by something my brother sent, touched by my mother and father and their love. Thinking about pregnant friends, secretly hoping to be pregnant again. Little Dylan arms reaching out to me, breastfeeding, breastfeeding, breastfeeding. Playing peggle, losing. Playing peggle, winning. Talking, connecting, feeling deeply and then not deeply enough. Emailing. Emailing. Re-watching Alias – loving (and missing) Marshall Flinkman. Not drinking enough water, drinking too much diet coke. Struggling with food intake. Mesmerised by Dylan asleep, rosy cheeks, button nose. Thirsty.
I visited Kelly Rae’s blog earlier today and came across this paragraph which a friend of hers wrote about parenting:
Have unrelenting acceptance for that which is unrelenting
In a hard moment that first week with True, Kelly looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “It just feels so unrelenting.” I didn’t say it out loud then but in my head I thought, “And that is parenting in a nutshell.” It is the first shock of parenthood…that the baby is there ALL the time, that children need ALL the time, and that you are never at any moment not a parent. It is unrelenting. That is exactly why it is so critical to bring your spirituality into, rather than separate it from, your life as a mother. Because your spiritual needs are also unrelenting. They will not go away just because you are now more distracted than ever. In fact, those needs will make A LOT of noise if left unattended and spiritual needs left unattended leave an easier entryway for depression, apathy, anxiety.
It really resonated with how Andy and I are experiencing being parents. It’s so amazing in so many ways and so unrelenting is other ways. I keep saying: being a parent is THE perfect spiritual practise. It is a practise in patience, mindfulness and acceptance of here now. Your child is your greatest spiritual teacher. :)
And it’s about communicating, with your partner, with your child and with yourself. It’s about deeply connecting to what is now, what is alive, what is present. It requires an opening of the soul in ways not done before.