You are not alone in this

So, I’m sitting here a few hours away from going in to hospital to possibly have my labour induced. I’m having very mixed feelings about this.

On the one hand, I realise that not inducing can pose a risk to baby as the placenta tends to become less efficient after 42 weeks (though some sources say the placenta starts to become less efficient over 48 weeks, the info is conflicted on this). Also, the baby can become big which can cause problems during delivery (shoulder dislocation for one), it is also more likely to pass meconium into the water and if baby inhales it, it can cause pneumonia.  Instead of 1 out of 1000 babies being stillborn before 42 weeks, the figure goes up to 2 out of 1000 when they stay in over 42 weeks.

On the other hand, induction comes with its own potential problems: prostaglandin pessaries and/or synthetic oxytocin can bring on stronger than usual contractions which can cause the baby to go into distress. It can also mean that I’m more likely to want/ need pain relief which can mean a need for more intervention.

More than this. I don’t feel emotionally ok with the idea of induction. If feels like a version of aggressive eviction: “you must get out now because we say so” type thing. I know that this isn’t rational and possibly very hormone influenced, but I want my baby’s very first choice in life to be ‘his own’. Ie: I’d love for him (or my body whichever actually makes that decision) to make the choice to come out. Not me or a bunch of medical people. Why would a baby stay inside if it doesn’t need to? That question keeps coming to me. Surely nature knows what it’s doing, no?

Don’t get me wrong. I know this is not intended as anything other than keeping him safe. It’s not really the case here in the UK that the medical guys induce for reasons such as lawsuits and covering their own back sides, so I do appreciate and understand the care with which these decisions are made.

And still. It feels too aggressive to me. Why would a baby stay in, if it’s not healthy for him? What is wrong in my body or with him to stay in without needing to? It makes no sense.

The other worry I have is about Dylan. I particularly feel very stressed about the idea that he might wake up at night and doesn’t have me but the neighbour or a family friend (who are both awesome btw) tend to him (he loves them both, but it’s so much more vulnerable and weird when you wake up and everything is suddenly different and your mummy isn’t there as usual).

I had a massive cry about this last night. I just want Dylan to be ok and not be traumatised by the experience of suddenly finding his mother missing in action. We’ve prepared him immensely about the baby coming and I have no problem with me being away during the days or early mornings, but it’s that night time thing where we are so close and I’ve never been away from him at night, that the thought of him finding me gone kills me. (The weird thing is: he’s probably going to be all right and this probably just my own projections, but still, that thought just kills me).

With induction, there is also a chance that everything takes longer and that I have to stay in hospital longer. I seriously dislike staying in hospital anyway, but to be away from the little Dylbee in the nights is another killer on top of it.

So, I’m considering postponing proper induction until at least Thursday which is when I’ve properly reached 42 weeks. I might ask them later today to do another cervical sweep and just give me the 24hr pessary (which a milder pessary – still prostaglandin – they insert and then send you home for 24hrs), to give this babe another few days to start it all himself (with help from the pessary and the sweep – hopefully).

Labour dust and peaceful thoughts are welcomed at the moment. I want to feel strong about it, but I’m mostly quite emotional and am on the verge of tears a lot. Just want both the bambinos to be ok.

I want to thank everyone who’s been leaving messages, been following me on FB and leaving sweet messages of support and love. It means so much to me, I get totally emotional just thinking about how sweet everyone has been. <3 You people are amazing.

Love to all. xoox

PS. A special special heartfelt shout out to my neighbour Corrina who has been offering the most amazing unconditional support when it comes to this (ready to be late for work, leave early from work, come to our house in the night to be with Dylan etc – she makes me cry with her kindness). <3

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