Awake VS Asleep

So, I said I’d do shorter and more often blog posts, but all the stuff I want to write about seems to have long, endless thought processes attached to them. Ack. Why can’t I just write quick things about muffins or puppy dogs? Or post 1 picture blog posts? I used to do that on livejournal, I used to post 4 times a day with funny little tidbits! Ha ha. I suppose that is what Facebook is for me now. The really short posts go there!

Anyhoo, there are a few things I want to write about. One thing I wanted to write about is my dreadful incapacity to remain awake, mindful and aware. In a zen sort of way, that is. It seems I really like being asleep, in a zen sort of way, I don’t mean, physically asleep, but more ‘mind-asleep’.

What I mean by that is: I relish in just going into automatic mode. The physically awake, yet trance like state of just doing/ being, without being present. I like it there, it’s warm and cosy and comfy and snug, for some reason. Oddly, I also like being alert, aware and mindful, in fact, when I’m there, is when I feel most alive. But my default position and go-to state of being is snuggy sleepy cosy. Why? I just don’t know. Clearly, I prefer it there, most needs get met there, rather than in that other head/ life space.

The reason I have a problem with sleepy mode is because in that mode I am less healthy and present and here-now. I eat too much, without knowing why I eat, I watch too much tv (on in the background) without really watching it, the noise ust lulls me; I’m dozy, spaced out, only sort of half here, half alive… Like being drugged up of sorts.

Though it’s a comfy space to be in, that is not the space where I’m clear headed, healthy, emotionally robust, spiritually free and appreciating my life here.now. I would really like to be light and free and awake and aware, but clearly I also want that other state, otherwise, why would I be there? I need me some Eckhart Tolle helpsies.

I’m glad that I’m not judging myself as such for prefering sleepy mode over mindful-mode, because the harsh self judgements just seem to make things worse, however, I do wish I could be less sleepy mode, more mindful-mode. Spiritual teachers all over the place would have all sorts of responses to this that would baffle me I’m sure. I can see Mooji, Byron Katie and Tolle now trying to respond to my stuff and me just not getting it. Ha ha.

Anyhoo, just wanted to write this up, not really trying to find a solution, just trying to write more frequent, shorter blog posts, hee hee! :) Oh also, I usually have a great resistance towards any offered solutions, like: meditate or build rock towers (though I like the idea of that one more!).

:) Over and out, I’m going to try be more awake and mindful now.

PS. Of course, the fact that I am sleep deprived on a daily basis due to 2 kids under the age of 3 doesn’t help with the mind staying awake, never even mind the body! ;P Thanks for reading, lovely reader. x

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