I love you anyway.

My husband Andy is an amazingly loving, caring, beautiful being. When I met him my life made a u-turn into a million times better direction. Through him my awareness expanded, love and understanding opened up more, self-connection deepened. One of the greatest teachers, friends, soul-mates I’ve ever had is he. He is so kind, patient, beautiful, supportive, I could go on. I am beyond lucky to have him.  Why I’m mentioning him, is because my friend Effy posted a difficult post today about recently having been deeply depressed and suicidal.

Whenever I’m at my deepest and lowest which is usually paired with or caused by self-hatred and self-loathing, Andy manages to give me this message: I love you anyway. He says: “I don’t care how dark you get and how down you get and how much you hate yourself, I love you anyway”. The unconditionalness of his support and love -to someone who has major self-love issues- is at times quite dumbfounding and startling but incredibly healing and cathartic. Andy is the one who introduced me to the song: “Love Anyway The Whole of the Moon” by the Waterboys. The song describes an amazing unconditional love. The lyrics are so powerful and the message just brings me to my knees: you can fuck up all you like, I love you anyway.

Any Buffy fans out there may remember when the Willow character is about to destroy the earth and her friend Xander stands by her regardless of the destruction she is about to inflict. It’s a similar kind of ALL-IN-forgiveness-no-matter-what.

Where am I going with this?

I’m posting this really because I really believe that there is a force in the universe that loves YOU that way. That all the pain you feel, all the damage you do, all the things you destroy in anger, in frustration, in deep pain. The fumbling and failing in the process of healing. All the things you BREAK, all the ways you fuck UP. All the bridges you burnt down, all the fans that have been hit by your shit, the crayons you’ve broken, the people you’ve hurt, the darkness, the confusion, the swearing, judging, condemning, the guilt, the shame, the self-hatred, the ‘I-don’t-knows’, the ‘I-think-I-know-betters‘, the ‘fuck-it -all-I’m-just-gonna-lie-here-for-weeks‘, the alcohol you drank to hide it all, the food you ate to not feel the paralysing fear, your addictions, your evasiveness, your cowardice, the shame, the pain, the dazzling darkness that can sometimes swallow you. There is a force out there that loves you anyway. You are ok even in the brokenness. You are loved anyway even when you are broken down to a pulp; this force is there telling you: I love you anyway.

For some reason I felt compelled to share this with you today. I suppose because I’m on the continued quest for self-love, and the deepening of forgiveness for self and others. Hope it resonates. Much love. I love you anyway. 

For Effy

So you crashed the plane
And there’s hell to pay
I’m making it plain
I love you anyway

You made a fool
Out of me today
I’m breaking the rule
I love you anyway

You threw the blame
What a role to play!
My story’s the same
I love you anyway

You dealt the blow
And you burst the ball
I’m letting you know
I love you most of all

Magic we chase only to find
It comes from a place higher than mind
Higher than dust, but only just
It hangs on the cusp

I can hear you scream
Like a branded slave
It’s only a dream
I love you anyway

You’ve got a war to wage
Chief to obey
Foe to engage
I love you anyway

You hunker down
Feeling small
Judging the clown
I love you most of all

I picture you with the eye of my mind
A portrait in blue, unravaged by time
Beauty undimmed and through your pale skin
The beauty within

So you beat the child
Sent him away
Beauty defiled
I love you anyway

You tricked the King
Cut him where he lay
Unthinkable thing
I love you anyway

You held the jewel
And you let it fall
Prince of a fool!
I love you most of all

Over the wind, under the hill
wing upon wing, love over will
When the big me meets the big you
The things we will do!

I’ll make the time
If you name the day
Trouble or shine
I love you anyway

I think of you
As child of clay
Whatever you do
I love you anyway

 

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