new photiessss!!

i love this picture of dylan and me:

blissful family

and i love this one of him;

my all

and and and, i’ve been dressing him/ us up for halloween (doing a halloween art vid!)

dylbee halloween

halloween dylan & tam

halloween dylan & tam

:D *grins*

more here:


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katie does ‘the work’ with sauron, the dark lord, hee hee!

hilarious! for anyone who’s familiar with ‘the work’ by ‘byron katie’, this is so funny!

from bk’s newsletter which can be read here:

Byron Katie does The Work with Sauron, the Dark Lord
by Tim Ray

Tim is my Danish translator. I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

Dear Katie, I’m glad you like the spoof. Here’s how it came about. I’m a great Lord of the Rings fan and one night a few weeks ago I had this amazing dream. I dreamt that you were standing before one of the Black Riders (the Nazgul), who was looming ominously before you. Your response: ”Oh sweetheart, what a beautiful black dress! I love it!” The Black Rider then drew his big silver sword and advanced menacingly towards you. Your response: ”Oh wow, what a beautiful silver sword! And look at those beautiful symbols!” The Black Rider then pierced your heart with the sword, the blood came gushing out. Your response was: ”Oh wow, how wonderful, you’re killing me. So beautiful and all the blood… Oh sweeetheart…” And then I woke up and wrote the spoof.

I guess the The Work is really penetrating into the deepest reaches of my subconscious now. That’s what you get for translating A Thousand Names for Joy!
Blessings, Tim

BK: So, sweetheart, read what you wrote on your Worksheet.

Sauron: This is really hard for me.

BK: I know, honey, and I admire your courage. So let’s hear it.

Sauron: I am frustrated and angry at all the Free Peoples of Middle-Earth – the elves, the dwarves, the men, and those annoying little hobbits, not to mention Gandalf the White and his fellowship – for consistently opposing my plans to become Lord of Middle-Earth. They should realize that I am the Master of the World and bow down to me. They should be my slaves. They should worship me and give me love, approval and appreciation. I want them to see that I am the greatest. They are weak, stupid, annoying, irritating. I never ever want to experience them rebelling against my plans again.

BK: So basically, that’s about it.

Sauron: [Laughing] I’m sure there’s more. But I ran out of space. This thing with the Free Peoples of Middle-Earth has been bugging me for thousands of years. In fact, ever since those blasted Numenoreans landed on the shores of Middle-Earth…

BK: I hear you. Okay, so let’s do the Work. Let’s look at what you’ve written, sweetheart. I heard you say that “they should realize that you are the Master of the World”.

Sauron: Yes.

BK: So “They should realize that you are the Master of the World” – is that true? [To the audience] See if you can find the place in yourself where you believe that someone in your life should realize that you are the Master of the World and bow down to you and worship you and do exactly what you want them to do. It could be someone you knew a long time ago or someone you know today. So, sweetheart, “They should realize that you are the Master of the World” – is that true?

Sauron: [Fuming] Yes!

BK: You answered so quickly.

Sauron: Yes, they should all bow down to me and realize that I am the Master of Middle-Earth!

BK: I hear you. And can you absolutely know that it’s true?

Sauron: [After a pause] Well…

BK: Well? What’s the reality of it, sweetheart? Do the elves bow down to you and say that you are the Master of the World?

Sauron: No.

BK: The hobbits? The dwarves? The Dunedain? And what about Gandalf the Wizard? Does he bow down to you and realize that you are the Master of the World?

Sauron: [sighs] No.

BK: So “They should realize that you are the Master of the World” – how do you react when you believe that thought?

Sauron: I get furious, angry, frustrated. I release my armies of darkness – the Black Riders, the orcs, the trolls, the werewolves and the bats on all the Free Peoples of Middle-Earth. I start a war and burn, hack, destroy, annihilate. It’s like my whole being is consumed by darkness. I get very focused and lose sight of everything else. It’s like I have only One Eye of malice, bent on destroying anything and everything that doesn’t do my will.

BK: Yes, sweetheart. The mind has a job. And that’s to give us all the stories that prove that what it thinks is true.

Sauron: It’s really quite horrible. I build all these defenses around myself, impenetrable walls of steel and mountains of horror. No one can get in or out. And yet all the time doubt keeps gnawing at my heart. What if someone really great and powerful, like Gandalf or Saruman or Aragorn or Galadriel gets a hold of the One Ring? That really worries me.

BK: Yes, I hear you sweetheart. So, whose business are you in when you believe the thought “They should realize that I am the Master of the World”?

Sauron: I can see that I’m mentally in their business.

BK: And how has that worked for you so far?

Sauron: It’s really quite hopeless. I’ve been trying for hundreds and thousands of years to bend them to my will. But they just won’t do it. I devised the One Ring to rule them all, but then they formed that blasted Last Allegiance of Elves and Men. And Isildur cut the Ring off my finger and I had to go into hiding for thousands of years. It was really depressing. And now the same thing is happening all over again. The One Ring has been found and I can’t seem to get a hold of it. The Riders of Rohan are proving more and more tenacious than I thought. Minas Tirith is still going strong. And the other day I realized that an heir of Isildur is still alive with the sword of Elendil reforged. That really worries me. I have trouble sleeping at night. I’ve started taking Valium. But none of it really works. It’s like a living nightmare.

BK: Yes. So can you find one stress-free reason to keep the thought?

Sauron: No.

BK: So, who would you be without the thought “They should realize that I am the Master of the World”?

Sauron: [After a pause] Hm. It’s… like a blank. I mean, I’ve been so used to that thought that it’s, you know, I really don’t know.

BK: So close your eyes for a moment. See Gandalf, Aragorn, the elves, the hobbits, the dwarves, the riders of Rohan, all the Free Peoples of Middle-Earth, just as they are. And you cannot believe the thought “They should realize that I am the Master of the World”. What do you see?

Sauron: [Taking a deep breath] Well, first of all I would realize that they don’t realize that I am the Master of the World. They just don’t. Never have and probably never will.

BK: I would drop the “probably”!

Sauron: Yes. And I would see that trying to get them to realize that I am the Master of the World is hopeless. So that would be a huge load off my back. Just seeing reality. And then I would be more realistic. I wouldn’t stress myself so hard all the time, constantly doing battle with reality. It feels more peaceful.

BK: So “They should realize that I am the Master of the World” – turn it around.

Sauron: They should not realize that I am the Master of the World.

BK: Okay, so give me three examples of where they should not realize that you are the Master of the World. Three genuine examples, and make them as specific as you can. [To the audience] I invite all of you to do this as well. [To Sauron] So, give me three specific, genuine examples.

Sauron: Well, at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields they sure as hell didn’t realize that I was the Master of the World! I mean none of them – the Dunedain of Gondor, the Rangers of the North, the Riders of Rohan, the sons of Elrond, I mean the list goes on and on.

BK: My goodness!

Sauron: And way back when the Valar, you know the Lords of the West, sent the Five Wizards – Gandalf, Saruman, Radagast and so on to help the Free Peoples in their struggle against me. The Valar sure didn’t think I was the Master of the World back then either.

BK: My goodness!

Sauron: And Saruman, that spineless worm, trying to get a hold of the One Ring himself and proclaim himself Master of Middle-Earth…

BK: That’s amazing.

Sauron: [Laughs] It’s amazing that I didn’t see something so obvious before!

BK: That’s what the mind does. It believes its story and then it finds all the proof. And in the end it can only see what it believes to be true, even though it isn’t. Okay, sweetheart, can you find another turnaround?

Sauron: I should realize that I am the Master of the World.

BK: Yes. And how are you doing in that department?

Sauron: [After a long pause] Well, I can see that actually I myself have some serious doubts in that department. Because, I mean hey, if I am really the Master of the World why can’t I get Gandalf and his lot to bow down to me and do what I want!

BK: Ah, you are good, sweetheart! So “You are the Master of the World” – is that true?

Sauron: [Starts to cry] No.

BK: And consider how you react when you believe that thought.

Sauron: It’s hopeless, hopeless. I mean I am totally in everybody else’s business, constantly trying to get them to do what I want. And it’s wearing me out. I don’t even have a physical body anymore. I’m just this one horrible lidless eye. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. Mordor is a total mess – it’s no wonder they call it The Land of Shadow. All my employees have this total love-hate relationship with me. The orcs both worship and loathe me. Not to mention the elves and the dwarves. It’s pure hell.

BK: Who would you be without the thought “I am the Master of the World”?

Sauron: I would just give up. Give up the hopeless struggle to try to control other people. End the war. Close down the Dark Land of Mordor and Mount Doom. Let all the orcs and Black Riders and trolls go their own way. And then I think I would just go into retirement for a while. Walk in the fair woods of Lothlorien and smell the leaves and the wind, maybe go to the sea. Just watch and notice how I am not the Master of anything. How everything is doing just fine without me. But I have to admit I am little worried that after all the insanity, murder and destruction I’ve committed over the last thousands of years, it won’t be easy just to take a stroll in the wood or by the sea.

BK: Well, sweetheart, if you’re really serious about your freedom and peace of mind, there’s a quick route called “making amends”. Making amends means to right your wrongs. So turn the thought around.

Sauron: I am not the Master of the World.

BK: Could that be as true or truer?

Sauron: It seems much truer now.

BK: So, give me three genuine examples of how the turnaround is as true as or truer than your original statement.

Sauron: Well, I’ve tried for thousands of years now and I still can’t control the wind, the ocean, the sun and the moon. They just do what they do with or without my interference.

BK: Good, that’s one.

Sauron: Heck, I can’t even control my own slaves! You have no idea what a logistics nightmare it is to command tens of thousands of brain-dead orcs!

BK: Good that you’re noticing!

Sauron: And then there’s that slimy little creature Gollum. You have no idea how much I tortured him to get him to tell me the location of the One Ring, but he still wouldn’t budge. Talk about frustrating!

BK: Excellent, sweetheart. Make amends, make it right. And I see another turnaround.

Sauron: I am… the servant of the world?

BK: Yes. How are you the servant of the world?

Sauron: Well, what comes to mind is that without the thought “I am the Master of the World” I could actually be of service to the world. I mean, I am after all one of the Maia, at least as powerful or more powerful than Gandalf or Saruman or the Balrog or even Tom Bombadil. I can actually do pretty neat things when my mind is not hell-bent on destruction. You know, build things and make magic rings and stuff. I guess I could use those talents and skills for some more constructive purpose.

BK: It’s good that you’re noticing. So how can you use your specific talents and skills to serve the world – to serve the Free Peoples of Middle-Earth?

Sauron: Well, the first thing that comes to mind is that I have quite a bit of clean-up to do! You know, repairing the great gate and walls of Minas Tirith, cleaning up Osgiliath and Minas Morgul – or Minas Anor. There’s a lot of work to be done in Rohan as well and up north by the Lonely Mountain.

BK: Seems like you could be busy for quite a while making amends!

Sauron: Yes, And I could let Gandalf and the White Council destroy the One Ring, so that the other rings would no longer be enslaved to it and could do some more good in the world. Although that would probably mean the end of a lot of my negative power, since I put so much of that power into the One Ring.

BK: Well, what do you need all that negative power for if everything is going on quite fine without you?

Sauron: [Laughs] You have a point there. And it would be such a load off my shoulders.

BK: Yes. And isn’t that what you wanted to be Lord of the World for anyway? So you could sit down one day and take a deep breath and enjoy life?

Sauron: [Sighs deeply] Yes. You know I’ve never told anyone about this, but secretly I’ve thought a lot about joining D-Anon lately.

BK: D-Anon?

Sauron: Dictators Anonymous. I heard about it from Darth Vader. He’s been doing The Work and going to their meetings for quite a while. He says it’s really worked wonders for him. His breathing is a lot better now.

BK: Dictators Anonymous – I love it! Okay, sweetheart, let’s move on. Read the next statement on your Worksheet.

Sauron: The Free Peoples of Middle-Earth should worship me – and give me love, approval and appreciation. Man, that statement just seems totally absurd now! I mean, first I kill, murder, destroy and annihilate their people and their country – and then I expect them to give me love, approval and appreciation! Talk about insane!

BK: It’s good that you’re noticing. Turn the thought around.

Sauron: I should worship me and give me love, approval and appreciation.

BK: Yes, honey. That’s your job.

Sauron: It doesn’t feel like I’m doing a very good job.

BK: How can you? How can you give yourself love, approval and appreciation if you’re so busy minding every elf, dwarf and hobbit in Middle-Earth’s business?

Sauron: Phew. That one is a stinger. But so true. In a way I think that’s the reason why I tried to control them all along. Because I wanted their love, approval and appreciation.

BK: I often say that if I had one prayer it would be this: “God spare me from the desire for love, approval and appreciation”. Because this belief is the direct route to the hell of a false identity.

Sauron: It sure was for me.

BK: Let’s look at the next statement.

Sauron: The Free Peoples of Middle-Earth are weak, stupid, annoying, irritating.

BK: Turn it around.

Sauron: I am weak, stupid, annoying, irritating. That’s so true! I mean they’re all just doing fine minding their own business in Hobbiton and Minas Tirith and Rivendell and then I come raising hell. Saying that I am stupid, annoying and irritating is the understatement of the century!

BK: Yes, I can see that.

Sauron: And being such a control freak has definitely made me weak. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I don’t even have a body, I’m constantly worried, and I obsess.

BK: Yes. Okay, honey, the next statement?

Sauron: I never ever want to experience the Free Peoples of Middle-Earth rebelling against my plans again.

BK: So now, “I’m willing to…”

Sauron: I’m willing to…

BK: “… experience…”

Sauron: … the Free Peoples of Middle-Earth rebelling against my plans again.

BK: “I look forward to…”

Sauron: I look forward to the Free Peoples of Middle-Earth rebelling against my plans again. Whoa! That’s radical!

BK: Yes. Because when you believe and feel that – and feeling will let you know what you’re believing – then you can put your thoughts on paper and begin again to question your negative beliefs.

Sauron: Okay.

BK: Thank you, sweetheart, it’s been a privilege to sit with you. Nice Work.

Sauron: Thank you so much, Katie.

BK: For my part, you’re welcome. For your part, thank you.

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latest from dylan land! :-)

i’m having an actual conversation with dylan in this video! (lol, it’s so funny how he kept responding each time i asked something!).

and here some pics taken with iphone so crap quality but you get a good peek into our world:

father and son  on Twitpic goood morning twitland! my hopes for the day? to have an actu... on Twitpic possibly the cutest pic of him evar ... on Twitpic

the cute explodesy brain! on Twitpic more cuteness from a few days ago :) on Twitpic I swear he's starting to smile! :0) on Twitpic

many more pics can be found here:


all is going well! dylan had a few rough days with bad stomach cramps/ gripe/ colic, but is much better now, we’re sleeping for longer and i’m actually having ‘proper’ days! like, i can do stuff and go places, yay!

i love this baby so so much. it’s so amazing to have this new being in our lives. every day i wake up with this huge love in my heart and i just stare at him in awe. ♥

i’ve missed doing art though! but now that dylan is getting more settled, i see that starting up again too yay!

i had some time to do a little bit of sewing yesterday and day before and made this little tiger babooshka:

i filled him with dried lavender so he smells all nice now! :)

other than that; life is beautiful.

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little boy blue

dylan beauty

i sorta suck at poetry, but wrote this, for my child, inspired by neil gaiman’s ‘blueberry girl’ poem for tori amos’ baby and some influence by joni mitchell’s ‘little green’ song in there as well. :)

Little Boy Blue (17 days old)

This love, it is incredible.
This love, it is immeasurable.

You fell from the sky,
came through me
like a gift from the stars.

With skin made of silk,
bird sounds and a wink
like light reflected in time.

Gurgles and burbles
and bubbles and angels
sleeps and deep sighs
kisses and rainbows.

Little tiny fingers,
soft fleecy blankets
blue teddy bears
and woolly white top hats.

You opened a portal
right into my soul,
this love, my love,
it made something whole.

Your small warm body
lies on my chest
curled up in a ball
like a round Easter egg.

May no harm ever befall you,
may life to you be kind.
May you find love, compassion
and humour. Most importantly;
may you find peace of soul and mind.

I wish you hot chocolates
in snowy winters, and bunny shaped clouds.
I wish you moonbeams, falling stars
and ethereal beauty, day in and day out.

I hope you will find your voice,
your truth, your river of bliss.
I hope you will dance to the rhythm
of life and enjoy its subtle but beautiful kiss.

May mermaids visit you in your dreams,
and may you find a kaleidoscope of friends
may laughter befall you until you hurt,
and may anger be something you transcend.

Maybe you’ll ride horses in the summer,
Maybe you’ll skate the ice of a purple lake,
Maybe you’ll play golf with your father.
Maybe you’ll enjoy baking cheesecakes.

You might like to run like the wind,
or to sing songs from the heart,
You might like sailing the oceans
or study whimsical art.

There’ll be peanut butter and ice cream,
basketball and cricket games.
Sunrises, fresh grass and little houses,
and happy journeys on yellowish trains.

May your feet walk gentle paths,
may you grow from sorrow and pain,
may your mouth speak feelings freely,
may your skin bask in drizzly rain.

I hope you’ll notice the small things,
like the bright green light
in the hollow of tree leaves.
And the beetle working hard
and the ant with its mighty colony.

I hope for you that your heart will soar
more than once in this stunning life.
I hope for you that you can go explore
the magical places on this earth so bright.

You fell from the sky,
came through me
like a gift from the stars.

A love inexplicable
has swallowed me whole.
You are our entire world,
you have lit up my soul.


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wuzzah intarwebs! :-)

what shall we do with the dylan sailor?

life is a beautiful yet tiring blur of unpredictable events at the moment. just when i am about to utter the words; “wow, a bit of ‘normality’ seems to have set back in”, i find that before i can even finish that sentence, something new and unpredictable occurs which means that, clearly, ‘normality’ is still a while away yet. :-)

dylan is a dream! a loud, stinky, hungry, cranky dream, at times, but a dream nonetheless. this burbling, gurgling creature has totally turned our worlds upside down, but in such an amazingly beautiful way. he’s sleeping on my chest as i write this, and the softness and warmth of him fills me with such tenderness, it’s hard to describe.

the poor thing has been suffering from ‘gripe’, windy, gassy bits in his tummy, and sometimes he cries so hard, it’s as if he’s being stabbed in the stomach with a knife i tell you!! we got some infacol drops now though and they seem to help! pfew. i had a few days/ nights where all he did was either cry insanely or feed, so it was impossible for me to sleep!

luckily he has now settled a bit, so attempts at sleeping have resumed! i keep being amazed at how well i can function on so little and interrupted sleep.

another fun thing is that i feel a lot more confident now to go out in public and breastfeed him if needed. this means i’m much more free to do stuff and go places. this way we’re not just stuck in the house all the time. it’s really fun to go places with him and to experiment with where and how far we can go.

so, we are well, but still completely consumed by and caught up in the whirlwind of ‘da baby force’ (DBF), everything in my life, presently, is ‘baby baby baby’ apart from a bit of package sending here and there occasionally and watching the new seasons of my fav tv programs!

the other thing that andy and i really have to get used to is; no longer being each other’s centers of attention. before dylan was here, we each used to direct our dedicated love and attention solely and 100% on each other and now … even though andy works from home as well; we HARDLY get to see each other or spend time with each other! it’s crazy. we do a lot of talking and processing to make sure we stay connected, but man; it isn’t easy!!

i find it hilarious to think that some couples have a baby to mend a broken relationship”! if anything, a baby, in my view, can put a real strain on a really good relationship! i don’t know how people who are not as ‘solid’ as andy and i do it! i consider us to have really excellent communication skills, but even our relationship got tested quite a bit!

another side effect of having been pregnant is the weight gain! though i’ve already lost 2 stone (or about 12kgs since his birth) i am still well overweight and it’s bugging me. the rational side of me keeps saying to just be patient and kind and loving to myself about it all, but the triggered side of me can get pretty depressed about it and wants to go on crash diets (that don’t work anyway) and aren’t healthy for baby and me while breastfeeding. i am very triggered by my own body image issues (stemming from deep childhood trauma) and really want to just ‘love myself as is’ and practise awareness and self acceptance, but it isn’t easy, so that is something i’m struggling with as well (btw, pls no tips on weight loss or whatever, i appreciate your intention, but they’ll only trigger me more, empathy on this one will do! :-)).

anyhoo, i sort of fleet in and out of struggling with that one. i’ll have many happy ‘unbothered by it’ days and then get all depressed again, c’est la vie i suppose, i keep processing it with nvc and andy which does help, a lot!

i’m gearing up to making a new youtube art vid! dylan is getting into longer sleeping patterns, which means i should have some art time, yay! i have missed that. i’m about to buy a better camera too, will likely be a panasonic! and i’m mentally preparing for my next portrait course! i’m also thinking of running a ‘world of whimsy II’ which should be much fun! :D

weird, i just heard a parrot sound outside! mmh. it’s like being back in sl. ha.

sooo, that’s me for a bit! hope everyone is well!

remember that i update much more frequently on twitter if you’re interested!

big love.

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quicky update!

been trying to write a post for DAYS now, but keep not finding the time! :)

i update my twitter regularly though and also my twitvid and flickr with pics, just don’t have the time to post here!

so, if you’re interested (i know some of you are deadbored with it now!) in following my mini updates about the gurgles and boogles of a new mum with newborn, follow me here:

for quick live updates:
for quick iphone photies:
for little iphone videos:
for ‘higher quality photos':

i WILL manage to update here soooon! :)

in the mean time; the bear necessities! ;)

bear necessities!

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wahay, it’s tam.

in other, non-dylan related news (is there really such a thing now? ;P)

1. i’m looking forward to the last episode of true blood! i thoroughly enjoyed this season, more than season 1 in fact. one thing that doesn’t make sense to me though, is this ‘sudden rule’ of; ‘if you drink a vampire’s blood you fall in ‘lust’ with them'; isn’t “v” being sold all the time? and when jason stackhouse with that crazy girlfriend of his drank that vamp’s blood and kept him tied up in the cellar, he didn’t fall in lust with that guy at all! (or does the blood have to come ‘straight from the vampire’ so to speak for it to have this attraction effect on one? ie; if you drink it from a bottle no such effects?). so i’m bemused by this new rule (if it is new) so that they can dream up some sort of something between sookie and eric (although i do like where that is going, bill, to be frank, sort of annoys me, the way he’s so ‘obedient’ to eric, so i sorta like the idea of sookie and eric getting together -ish). loving loving LOVING lafayette!! he’s by far my fav character, and i’m liking jason more and more. while in season 1 all he did was have boring sex with anything that moved; this season we learn that jason can actually string sentences together and do more than merely hump … love sam as well and jeesh that marianne woman is scary as hell! wonder how it will all end.

2. i’m also looking forward to the next couple of months because all my fav tv shows are starting again, i know, i know pretty sad, but these shows really help me ‘switch off’. my poor crazy brain just runs marathons on a daily basis, and it’s nice to switch off once in a while! :) so, grey’s, house, the office, lost (later i know), dollhouse, fringe, bring it on! :)

3. i was so very pissed off about this whole ‘let’s attack the NHS’ saga earlier this august. but because i was busy with giving birth and all that wasn’t able to give it enough attention. the NHS, though it has its flaws, is amazing in my opinion. i have had excellent care since i’ve moved to england. same for the dutch healthcare system; also very good. wishing the americans that are against healthcare reform would be less afraid of change and more informed about how the system really doesn’t threaten what they think it threatens, it only means that everyone can get healthcare, not just people with money or ok insurances, and it means that your receiving health care won’t be driven by or decided upon by capitalism, nor will insurance companies try their all to avoid paying your medical bills etc. you can still have social healthcare AND private on top. anyhoo, i know this topic has been discussed to death, but just wanted to say this about it. : )

4. below 3 pieces of art i did the day before dylan was born! haven’t done any art since! well, apart from creating a human, of course! ;) hoping to do some new art soon, dylan is starting to get into sleeping patterns that may allow for some art! yay!

this is inspired by the character of ‘ophelia’ before she drowned. the lyrics are by natalie merchant, song ‘ophelia’.


mother & child

so funny, i did this one also the day before dylan was born, and i think the little baby actually looks a bit like him! we have a green wrap for him hence the colour of the wrap in the painting too! :)

there is a lot of brayer action in the above 3 pieces, i was so enjoying the vague/ transparent-esque effects!

5. we ordered an awesome new bed last week (super king size) with a kickass new mattress (2000 springs) and it’s arriving tomorrow! we can hardly contain our excitement! yes yes this be true domestic bliss!

ok, i said it was a non-dylan-ie post, but can’t resist posting a few new pics! :) xx

dylan 23 days old

dylan & mummy

he loves sleeping on my chest!

dylan & mummy

dylan & mummy in sepia

funny face dylan

dylan’s funny face!

now off to try get some sleep in batches of 2.5 to 3 hours! x

ta-ra me fluff bubblies. ;)

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deeply moved

when dylan was born, my favourite teacher from high school (and later on; friend), sent me the below email. i used to babysit his first child, mieke, from when she was 3 years old, she is now about to be 21 and going to her 3rd year in university! he taught us Dutch in the most original and engaging way. everyone loved him as a teacher, in many ways i saw him as a surrogate father as well. :)

i was so so incredibly moved by his email;

“Dear Dylan,

Welcome in this world!

You seem to be a very punctual guy, arriving on the due date. We have been kept in the know by Mieke – our own firstborn and a longtime friend of your mother. Every day she would check Tamara’s website and let us know the latest. About half an hour ago she let out a joyful sound and we knew you were among us.

I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting your father, but your mother was a student of mine in high school. She was the queen of the school, always a central presence whenever something interesting happened (film nights, school concerts, an exhibit of paintings, a trip to London or Prague). She understood new teachers needed support, welcoming nervous me when it turned out I was the only teacher who had bought a ticket for one of the film shows she and her gang were presenting.

Tamara is someone you trust instinctively. She does that to people. She cared for Mieke, she cared for me one day when I was very ill and she simply has a boundless amount of attention, of life. She will be a great mother. She will do crazy and very talented things, and you should always be paying very close attention.

Greet her for me, will you? Greet your father as well. You are two very lucky guys indeed.

With warm wishes for you from Alkmaar,


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life with a newborn ♥

mummy & dylan

a very quick update!

exhausted, elated, tired, in love, sweaty, amazed, achy, in awe, sick with cystitis and flu, full of bliss, sleep deprived, amused.

i’m all boobs and breasts; in the house i sort of walk around with them hanging out pretty much permanently! i is da milkmachine! dylan is drinking like there is no tomorrow, he is drunk and stoned on milk most of the time. he poops, pees, wees, snores (or snorKs as i like to say!), makes cute little gurgle noises and screams his little lungs out at times. he’s starting to understand that nights = for sleeps and days = for wakes, sort of. he’s growing! i’m amazed at looking at the pictures from when he was just born. he’s 20 days now and already quite a bit bigger! he enjoys sitting in the sling and daddy is super soother, if he’s unhappy or crying andy holds him and he goes quiet, the only way i can soothe him is by pushing a boob in his mouth, ha ha.

i am exhausted and sick with a runny nose and cystitis which is a problem. obviously being sleep deprived doesn’t help the healing process, so again; trying to get as much sleep as possible, but it’s not working quite yet.

andy is also sleep deprived, but we have a system whereby he can get a bit more sleep. i like it when he’s a bit more lucid and ‘strong’ than i am during the day. :-)

i miss everyone here, but am so engrossed in this little baby and have so little time to write online! however, when i breastfeed i catch up on twitter and lj quite a bit, i don’t always reply, but i read most posts!

big hugs!! xxx

mummy & dylan
mummy & dylan
mummy & dylan
mummy & dylan
mummy & dylan
mummy & dylan
mummy & dylan

these are a bit older, can’t remember if i posted them already or not!

dylan beauty
mummy and dylan, wrap!
dylan and daddy
daddy & dylan - hands

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the universe is full of love <3

dylan day 8

so, had to catch up on some sleep for a few days! my parents arrived on friday and left again on monday. it was so lovely to have them here! they brought loads of gifts from family and friends in holland and they were just over the moon and so in love with dylan as well! but it meant that i couldn’t sleep as much as i would’ve liked so i’ve been catching up over the last couple of days! 2 nights ago was a particularly hard night sleep-wise, dylan kept waking up every hour needing something or other, but andy and i have now devised a system! he sleeps at night, me during the day when dylan sleeps a lot too. it still doesn’t mean i get anywhere near my ‘normal’ 8-9 hour sleep in 24 hours, but i sort of get a scattered 4 – 6 hours.

it’s hilarious how in the past i would’ve been utterly disgruntled all day if i got anything less than 8 hours sleep a night, and now i cheer joyfully if i get another hour here and there, and i feel sooo refreshed after a 2 hour catnap. it’s weird how the body [and mind] can adjust to new life circumstances that easily!

here some pics from when my parents were here:

dylan with grandma & grandpa

dylan with grandma & grandpa

dylan with grandpa

dylan with grandma

dylan with grandpa

the pics are grainy because i use a high ISO so i don’t have to use the flash on him, don’t want to startle him every time i take a pic. :)

he had a lost a bit of his birth weight when the midwife came to weigh him 2 days ago, but since then he’s put on 40 grams, breastfeeding seem to be going well. the nipples hurt a little, but i’ve got good cream.

this new creature comes with an overwhelming feeling of responsibility and love, i keep looking and looking at him and have this incredible urge to preserve this incredible beauty and innocence that he’s brought with him. with it also comes big huge feelings of fear. worry about all the things that *could* happen to him. it also connects me with all the suffering in the world, and all the babies that have the same kind of innocence and don’t get the love and care that they need. it drives me crazy, this connecting to the suffering, i don’t know why my brain/ system does it, call me a crazy empath! i try hard to be grounded and in the now, but it isn’t easy. again, trying to be very zen, tolle about it, but mostly failing dismally! i think/ hope once this hormone crash is over i can be a bit more relaxed about his safety etc, for now, i’m just obsessed with ‘protecting’ him from everything!

i also have crazy dreams!! whenever i do sleep, i dream about scary things happening to dylan. clearly i have some fear processing to do!!

his facial expressions are HILARIOUS, sometimes, he’ll be crying/ sleeping/ eating/ being etc, and out of nowhere he’ll go really quiet with a really serious expression on his face and he starts to really look around and study things, and it’s as if it suddenly hits him that he’s ‘on earth’, it’s like he suddenly has a flow of awareness/ consciousness coming through and as if he thinks to himself; “what the HELL? i was floating up in space only a week ago, and what the … WHAT? what is this place?? WHERE AM I?! what are these big round things doing hovering over my head?!” and then he’ll fall back into doing his usual crying/ eating/ sleeping thing. ha ha. but those moment of ‘consciousness’ bring with them hilarious facial expressions.

andy is doing well, adjusting to his role as a daddy and doing lots of beautiful daddy things. i miss him though! ha. of course we’re together all the time, but all the focus is on baby dylan now and we don’t get much ‘together time’, which we both miss, but i’m sure this will change when baby gets a bit sturdier and bigger. at the moment, all my focus is on him, i can’t help myself! it’s hard to actually take time away from dylan, i just don’t want to, it makes me feel anxious.

we keep receiving gifts, cards, msgs, texts etc from so many wonderful people!! col! () thank YOU so much for your beautiful gifts! :) i am so so moved by all the things people are sending our way (be they material or emotional!), it’s hard to put into words how overwhelmed i feel by all the love out there.

i think i had more to say, but my brain is scattered and i must try get some sleeps!

oh! some people have asked why we chose the names we chose for him!

well, both of us liked dylan as a name in general and we liked all the famous people we knew with the same name (bob dylan, dylan thomas, dylan moran) although he wasn’t named after any of them! his middle names: james & ronald, is after our fathers. james is andy’s dad, ronald is my [step] dad. i particularly wanted to name him after my dad as a way to acknowledge my dad who’s often had ‘inclusion’ issues in my family as he was the step dad instead of the ‘blood’ dad. :)

so that’s the story behind his names! mason is andy’s last name. :)

big hugs and love to you all.

here another lil video of the little man:

dylan day 8

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